I’m that type of person who is so honest and to the point (maybe too honest sometimes), so why wouldn’t I be when I’m posting online?
I think honesty is the best policy & have that, ‘if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all’ attitude with the tendency to sometimes not think before I speak but, mean it in the nicest way.
My friend Pip always says how I say things which may come across mean & blunt, in such a nice way that you can’t hate me for saying them which I guess is good haha.
Recently I’ve been struggling a lot with my diet and by ‘diet’ I don’t mean a fad diet, weight loss, meal replacement shakes or any of those ‘short term’ fixes. Since January I made the decision to cut Gluten and Dairy from my meals and make a huge change to what I eat.
My skin had flared terribly, my cheeks came up in rashy spots under the skin so I couldn’t treat them, I was having the worst pain in my stomach after eating & my anxiety had spiked to an all time high. Looking back it seems that my diet was only part of the issue.
I was so determined & motivated to cut it out that at the beginning, I just went cold turkey not thinking about how hard it would be when that determination and motivation didn’t make an appearance on difficult days.
Yes I feel A M A Z I N G when I don’t eat those allergens, my stomach feels light, I have no pain & I have no stomach cramps or unwanted toilet trips (I told you I’d be honest). But it doesn’t stop the fact that it’s bloody H A R D to stop doing something you’ve done for 22 years of your life.
In the whole 8 months I had restricted it from my diet I’ve probably only had several incidents which I would refer to as ‘binging’ on naughty things. I just wanted that cookie ok, was it worth it? Probably not, I’d call it mindless eating.
When you just don’t think and revert to old habits because you’re feeling stressed or feel like you have very little self control, however you know exactly what you’re doing during it but you don’t allow yourself to register it so you just keep eating. I knew the pain i’d be in after but, I just didn’t care, I just hoped it wouldn’t affect me and that by some magic my stomach had healed itself.
Just recently it’s been happening a little more, and it’s been making me feel so low and because I’ve kept it to myself as I feel it’s my problem, it’s not getting any better.
Just the other week I reached what felt was breaking point… it sounds stupid but, I went out for lunch with my Mom something we like to do every now and again, and really I’ve never had any major issues eating out I’ve always found something I can eat. But this particular chain restaurant had messed up their ordering and I couldn’t have what I went in there for, which meant I had very limited options and what seemed to be no help from the front of house staff. By limited options I mean two dishes, as they didn’t have the one I was left with the only other option which was essentially a bowl of pasta with cherry tomatoes.
At first I was cool with it and happy to feed my growling tummy but, I couldn’t help but feel angry and frustrated at myself for not being able to eat off the main menu, but more so at the restaurant for not accommodating me properly, there will be people walking in with Allergies on a busy Saturday who will be in my exact position right now, I just felt for them and let down.
I paid the bill and left with tears in my eyes, it was at this point I knew I was struggling…
Last weekend I had some time to myself, Mom and Dad had gone off for the weekend and I was left with my beautiful doggy. Friday night after work I came home and didn’t want to cook so what did I do? It was time for another binge wasn’t it.
I live in a house full of temptation, I honestly don’t know how I don’t cave in more often when Mom’s buying my favourite biscuits, chocolate yogurts and pastries because ‘Dad likes them’.
I didn’t stop… I’m so disappointed but it happened and luckily by some miracle, I had no pain and no stomach upset.
I took Mina for a long walk on an empty stomach the next day and started talking out loud, yeah sounds crazy, but somehow it got me feeling motivated, I thought about the past 8 months, what’s worked for me and what hasn’t.
And you know what, I came to a realisation… there is more to life than worrying about food and what I’m eating.
I’m getting so caught up with cutting and restricting that I’m not focusing on eating delicious food that I enjoy & excites me and if I do eat something that doesn’t agree with me, why should I beat myself up?
I need to analyse how my body feels, listen to myself, take the time to keep myself on track so I don’t get low and just enjoy food & enjoy life. Not being hung up or miserable because I can’t enjoy a damn cookie any more.
There are other aspects that affect digestion too, such as relationships, exercise and stress. I won’t ever be perfect but, if I have a toolkit full of things that I know makes me feel G R E A T surely it will help me stay on track and when I get my cravings.
Also, allowing myself to enjoy more indulgent foods every now and again but mindfully & eventually feeling that I don’t need those foods anymore – that will be my goal. But I need to take baby steps, it’s not an overnight success.
Looking after myself and my body, helping my digestion, healing, working on living a fulfilled life that can work with stress and has most importantly balance is a priority right now. Not obsessing over food, or self hating.
On my long walk as I said I also thought about things that have worked for me over the past 8 months. Hot Yoga is something that I’ve been doing since the start of summer with my oldest school friend Laura. We absolutely love it, as well as seeing her I get 1 hour for me, my body and mind.
I leave feeling more relaxed, I’ve noticed my digestion improving and my body feels tight and toned and the sweat that leaves my body is incredible. I would highly recommend it for anyone who is looking for a class that is much more than exercise. I’ve actually quit the gym to do Yoga full time, and to be honest I’m tempted to join the gym again as the classes are limited but that’s something to work towards.
So this post is really about being honest with myself and you guys and kind of saying we all have times where things don’t go the way we want, there are times where we don’t feel good and we are way to hard on ourselves. It’s OK.
What I’ve learnt is I need to stop letting it get out of control, talk to those I care about they may not understand fully but they may be able to help me move forwards and support me.
Be kind to myself, make time for exercise, organise my week, make a shopping list, go shopping, prep my food, make it exciting, don’t let yourself get to that mindless stage.
I’ve let it slip and to be honest I needed that weekend to help me re-focus and re-charge and find that self-love again.
I really hope my honesty can help you in someway, surely those really fit people on Instagram feel like this from time to time. We get so sucked in looking at other people’s lives that ‘workout’ and ‘eat well’ for a living & what an amazing job that would be. But for us it’s not realistic, we have to fit eating well, exercise and balance around our commitments everyones behind the scenes are all different and that’s cool, embrace it.
I’ve decided I’m just going to do my thang and be kinder to myself, I’ll get there I’m already so much further forward than I was at the start of the year.
Let me know in the comments if you can relate, it’s always nice to hear other people’s stories, it shows we’re not alone.
I hope you enjoyed this talking out loud sort of post, its nice to be able to write and let it out and in the process help other people. I think they call that therapy…
Well I’m off to bed now before I have to get up early on a Saturday Morning for work (it should be illegal).